the ponderings of my heart

Luke 2:19 - "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart."

I can relate to Mary. My mind has been one of deep reflection and pondering over the past few months, especially over the past weeks since the illness and passing of my faithful, strong, indescribably wonderful Grandfather. My father was blessed enough to receive all of my grandfather's books at his passing. I was blessed enough to receive a copy of my grandfather's autobiography... which is a complete gem and basically scripture to me. Let me struggle through this, because it is completely and surely impossible for me to even try to describe how I feel.

As the sun rose this morning I laid down with that precious book my grandpa wrote as I left my current existence and joined his. Every sentence, every story, every event in his life was... guided. And took him on a path exactly where he was meant to go. Every occasion that brought him the slightest bit of pain or hardship hurts my heart more than I can bear. But I know these events molded him into the unbreakable stone of a man he is.

When he was eleven years old, his older brother was beginning to attend priesthood meetings. Grandpa was not yet old enough but the bishop understood his need for the male companionship and so he allowed him to come along. Grandpa says, "I started to attend priesthood meetings early and still remember some of the lessons given at those meetings, one in particular on "The Fraternalism of the Priesthood." It had a profound impact on me as I contemplated then and even now as I think of the brotherhood of the priesthood."

This gives us even a tiny glimpse of the man my grandfather was even at eleven years old. The stories are endless. He has so many accounts of faithfulness and obedience in his life that have led to miracles where the Lord was able to extend His hand in my grandfather's life.

My grandfather was faithful. He was a rock of obedience and righteousness. He understood where happiness was found and what was truly mattered in life. He put the Gospel and his family above all else. As I eagerly read from page to page I was so excited for the parts about my father. My dear dad has such an unbelievably special place in my heart, and I know I do in his too. It was wonderful to read my grandfather's words about my father. "He has always been strong in body and spirit." It is clear to me that my father had a special place in his father's heart. And I feel that special love from my grandpa passed on to me (as I am sure every grandchild does).

As I read about my heritage and see how every little event leads to the next, how my grandfather's character was built little by little, but steadily, I have realized where I fit in. My father was a joy to his father. My father grew up at the feet of this noble and strong patriarch, seeing first hand his hard work and faithfulness to the Gospel. And this has shaped my father into the man he is today, who is also faithful and "strong in body and spirit." Somehow I am blessed enough to be his daughter, who was raised by the most loving and diligent parents, who taught me and raised me up in righteousness from the moment I was placed in their loving arms. It is my responsibility to carry on this tradition and honor the heritage of my fathers. I do have great responsibility because of what I know and all I am blessed with. I have these righteous men and women to look to and learn from and I would be shaming their name if I did not live the kind of life that they have and that would bring them pride in what I have done with their name.

I want to honor my grandfather. I will live my life always remembering the life he lived and all he sacrified to give my father a better life, who sacrified to give me a better life. How I deserve it I do not know. But I will spend my days trying to deserve it and trying to live faithfully to keep us sealed together and safe in our covenants.

The feelings I feel I can not quite describe, but I feel them. I am changed because of this. My heart is truly turned to my fathers.

to honor and be inspired

Last weekend my husband and I had the opportunity to attend the funeral of my dear Grandfather. We never expected to receive all that we did. Funerals typically have a reputation of being very sad and mournful, with black outfits and flowing tears. Yes, this was all there in part, but it was significantly overshadowed by feelings of awe towards our incredible grandfather. And I know when I say this I speak for not only me but the rest of our truly special family. His life was one of great acheivements, all accomplished through his dedication and unwavering faith to the Lord. He just "got it." He understood what brought happiness in life. He was not tempted by the things of the world because he realized they meant nothing, yet he acheived more in his 84 years than most. He truly was the "superior man" as my sweet father described in his talk...

“The superior man is spiritual. He exemplifies simplicity. He abhors being conspicuous. He is dedicated to service. Superior people are never bitter. Pessimism is the philosophy of vulgarity. The superior person is clean. His fellowship is refreshing. He is above his pleasures…A superior man is gentle, Superior men are humble-minded, or teachable, and they learn from passersby. The superior man is one with whom familiarity does not breed contempt. The superior man lasts; he wears well.” (President Harold B. Lee about Dwight B. Einsenhower)

That truly describes my dear grandfather. His 7 children, 47 grandchildren, and 101 great-grandchildren have all been deeply touched by being a part of his life and we all felt so loved by him. I know I feel honored to have been one of those 47 grandchildren. I can truly say now I understand those scriptures that say the hearts of the children were turned to their fathers. I feel a strong desire deep within me to live a faithful life to honor the name I have been given. I want to live an honest and unwavering life to honor my grandfather and be a woman that he would be proud of. He truly led by example, never boasting, just constantly serving, whether in the temple or in the kitchen.

"Our father was the greatest man I have ever known. To us, his children, he was the very personification of a patriarch. He was our ‘Abraham’ who at a young age, in spite of having a father who was antagonistic to the church, sought for the blessings of the fathers. He desired to be a “greater follower of righteousness, to be a father of many children, a prince of peace, desiring to receive instructions and to keep the commandments of God.” Having been raised by a widow in the heart of the depression, he did not have the benefit of a righteous patriarch to train him and whose example he could follow. Consequently, he was acutely aware and desired that his children have a righteous example to whom they could look. I remember, from my earliest youth, kneeling down every morning for family prayer. When my father would pray, it was unlike other prayers I have ever heard. When he would talk to his Heavenly Father, the veil was thin and you felt as though the very heavens were making note of his requests. I once asked him, “How did you learn to pray like that?” He said that as a young boy, because he did not have a father, he learned to turn to his Heavenly Father for guidance and counsel."

My Uncle Whitney spoke at the funeral and gave the life sketch and it was soo incredible. The stories he told were priceless and wonderful! My grandfather was not only faithful, but full of life and so much love. I have a copy of his autobiography and I am so excited to read it and learn more about the inspiring life of my grandfather.

What a blessing it was to be with family. We truly are a special family. We are so close-knit and there is so much love between us. What an amazing posterity my grandfather has begun. We can only spend our lives trying to make him proud and stay close as he would want us to.

As the days after the funeral have continued to pass, I continue to feel such a sense of gratitude and humility for my blessings. To be a part of the family I am so blessed to be in, to have sat at the feet of such a faithful patriarch and learned from him, to be sealed be sealed to my sweet mother, father, and brother in the temple as the first sealing he performed, and to have him seal me to my eternal companion and best friend.

He has gone ahead to prepare the next great James family reunion with his dear wife, Grandma Norma James. I know he is with me now and my life truly is forever changed by his influence.

As my sweet father said, "God Speed and fair well Great Patriarch, we look forward to sitting at your feet again someday."

little Sydney, our love

the James gang :)

i just loved this picture for some reason, Sparky is the greatest :)

BCF FOREVER!! LANDMU!

lovin the love :)

i had the most lovely time with my mother and dear grandma. from our costco/gelato trips to our girls day out with grandma... my love for my grandmother grew 100 fold times this trip! she is such a sweet lady. and i love you mom!

my dear grandpa

My dear sweet grandfather has passed on to the next life to be welcomed on the other side with so much love and anticipation. I can't even fathom the love he must feel as he was welcomed by his dear sweet Norma and all those that he touched in his life.

I can only begin to express my gratitude and love for my dear Grandpa. I am in awe of how many lives he has touched and how many people admire him and revere his name. He has left such a legacy through his posterity. I feel such a desire to honor his name and live righteously. I know he is watching over me and I always want to live in a way that will make him proud of who I am. He was an incredible example of righteousness and unwavering faithfulness. He motivates me to be the kind of person he was. As my cousin Paul said... "a man I will always try to model my life after." It was so wonderful and special to me that we all have such fond and special feelings about Grandpa and all feel the far-reaching effects of his love.

My dear grandfather truly is an amazing man. He was a well-respected dentist who sacrificed so much to provide for his family. He loved so much and so many. He was a sealer and a patriarch. The first sealing he performed was sealing me to my family. Although I do not remember, I still have sweet memories from the stories I have been told and what I can imagine. He gave me my patriarchal blessing when I was 15 years old and how truly in tune with the Spirit he was. I hold that blessing so close to my heart and am so thankful that my grandfather was able to be the mouthpeice of Heavenly Father to me. He sealed me to my dear husband, the greatest gift I could receive. I can't express the deep love, gratitude, and admiration I have for him. I will never forget the words of counsel he gave to Dan and I during our ceremony. I remember looking at him in his white clothes and thinking "he truly is an angel." He really is an angel to me.

Although this time is so hard, I feel an overwhelming sense of peace that I can't deny. Peace that he is safe and loved and doing the work of the Lord. Peace in knowing that he is happy and he could not have lived a more dedicated life.

As my cousin Melynie said, "Peace in the most flawless life you've ever seen lived. Peace because of the joyous, heavenly reunion that must be happening right now. Peace because even though it was sudden, I got to say goodbye, and thank you, and I love you. And peace in the absolute conviction that families are eternal and that I will indeed see him again. And joy and gratitude in the legacy that he blessed us with, and in the relationships that are still located here on earth."

I couldn't say it any better!

I love you Grandpa! There is a place in my heart that is yours and always will be. :]