what are we fighting for?

there is so much to say. so much i feel. the difficulty is trying to express it. i am usually undersatisfied with my ability to express the deep and differing things fluttering around my heart.

my life evolves into something beautiful every day. not how or where i would expect it. but so much more. so much deeper. so much better than my petty mind could ever dream. i am in awe of my life. i am in awe of who i have become through the Lord and how who i have become is deeply intertwined with another human being, never to be undone. i am in awe of the happiness i feel every day, a happiness that seems so impossible and magically unrealistic to the cynical world. i have that. i know how to have it. i think that is one of my greatest blessings. it's something some people spend a lifetime trying to figure out and never do. i am truly, simply happy. i work for it every day. and i don't always have it and haven't always had it, but because of that i recognize how much i have it now.

i am loved. i love. my world revolves around it. love for my Heavenly Father. love for my dear sweet love. love for my dear family. and soo many more. there are so many little things that i have realized detract from the simple happiness of daily life. they are mysterious and ever-present. they seep into our lives slowly and we don't even realize it. we have to be so careful.

thursday night i saw my dear cousin joshua passing through birmingham while on his state-to-state tour. it was exactly what i needed. i needed the interaction. the conversation. the insights. the love. the music. the passion. the love we felt. that we really felt, so much that it didn't even need to be said. it couldn't be.

i've never seen one person play music like he can. if i was listening with my eyes closed i would never know it was just one person playing. he has such passion. such a presence. he feels what he sings. one song in particular that will be on his upcoming album. it really touched me. i only remember a line or two, but i remember how i felt when he played it. one of his biggest fans is this sweet, unexplicably dedicated autistic teenage girl. she was absolutely elated and star-struck to see him play. her sweet mother let her stay out past her curfew to watch his show and talk to him after. dan and i loved being by her. she could hardly contain her excitement. her hands would fly in the air towards the end of the song and she couldn't hardly even contain herself as she had to wait until it was over to clap. and then she would clap so enthusiastically with the most vigor and vim. after the show when she went up to joshua (with her mother's help) and could barely even look at him because she was so excited. her hands twirling her hair, her feet anxiously stepping up and down. i loved it because it was undeniable that his music talked to her soul. she felt his passion and there was something about his music that calmed her and thrilled her and spoke to her. and unlike the rest of us who hide our childlike excitment to conform with societal norms, she just proudly let it be known.

being able to sit and talk with joshua for a while was so perfect. we fed our souls with communication we needed and love we shared. i'm praying that his tour only gets better. that he will be able to connect with the people and find the wholeness he needs while he is away from his sweet lady.

the night just helped me put my life in perspective. what is important to me? what makes me happy? am i getting caught up in the worldliness that is so readily around me? what do i truly want out of life? am i prioritizing my choices to match my goals? i am trying and doing all i know how. i am excited for the future but i am perfectly content and happy with exactly where i am now.


  1. i'm so glad you enjoyed having him there. i can't wait till he comes here. i wish you were coming too. i'm so happy you're happy. you're so preggies. i love it! i love you